Desperation for love

This is not something we talk about.But it’s there. The need for companionship. Real friendship. The need to be with someone. The ache, hunger, desire to find love and perhaps even the one. But is there a ‘one’ for every body? It gets worse when every once in a while, your family sticks a knife in your wounded heart by asking what you are doing to find the ‘one’. Innocent question but one that crashes your world momentarily. 

The truth is he is already married with children.He was married ten years or so. … the pictures are on Facebook. So many reasons why he isnt coming for me. He cannot commit, he is into men now. He has been all along.He lives a lie.  I don’t know. I haven’t found ‘the one’. 

Some men are messed up too.

I should have told mum that he became a Christian missionary and went to live  in the slums of India. I  know India is great and all but I am not moving to India. Or I could have told her that he is at a train station in Madrid, Islamabad or Mogadishu waiting for me. Seas, mountains, deserts and everything in between separates us.

There is no one out there. There has never been. If he is at a station in Modagishu, he is not coming to Beds alright? That’s the truth and I am not going to cry about it.

My biological clock started ticking at 25. It was still ticking at 35. It will keep ticking till I am 55 I think. Or whenever menopause hits. There is no such to thing as ‘the one’.

Not for me.Any ways. 

We tend to deal with this loss or need for love  in our own way. Some of us focus on our jobs, careers, aspirations, goals, kids and so on.This is good but we tend only to bury that need for love. Momentarily. Till Mitchell calls you at 1030pm wanting to come over. Thats all he offers. You stopped the booty calls. 

We comb online dating sites looking for the ‘one’. We live on social media waiting for the next comment, next like, next recognition of any kind. Desperate for anything.Desperate for conversation.Hoping to hide that need to find love under a canopy of a messy online profile. That hunger is still there, it’s not going any where. 

You are reminded at Valentine that you are alone. You hate Christmas and holidays because it shows you up. No one is bringing you a card, your phone is not going to ring, no one is coming for you. Thousands of birthday greetings but not one from anyone special. Meaningless.

This loneliness is amplified during holidays. You stay late at work, work the gym, work yourself, hide in places where no one will think to look for you.  Alcohol become a steady companion. Reliable. You try drugs. Its okay. Your friends do it too. They bring it to the office car park. It’s okay. For the moment. 

The need for love be it philio or erotic lies deep within each of us. Tormenting us. It wakes with us. Well hidden under our sophisticated make up combination. Or macho build.

Our compact and self contained lives hides the fact that secretly we want more. More from the relationship. More talk.More communication.More understanding. Just more of someone else.Period. Sometimes it’s hard for our partners to fulfill the need as it’s deep. We are insatiable. We keep wanting more. It’s ugly. The question is could a human really fill that void?

Brotherly love. The lack of it. When we see it in a person or displayed in a film on TV, we make that moment a shrine because brotherly love is a rarity in the world we live. 

Many of us though long and live for the erotic love. The love that is meant for married couples. The love we see around on TV when our protagonists have mind blowing sex making us wonder about our own sex lives. Erotica love. Over played in our TV screens.over played in the novels we read.  Over played everywhere.

Some are into porn. The momentary fix. Fantasies. Unrealistic ideals of a sex life behind closed doors. Porn. Enslaved and embarrassed to admit that Albanian,Serbian and Chinese girls have gotten you hooked. 

Yet still hungry. Erotic love is not enough. It works for the moment. But it does not satisfy.Deeply. It does not guarantee commitment. It does not promise ‘happy ever after’. It does not guarantee marriage. It’s nothing to be honest. Even with the right person, there is still that longing for more. There is still that question ‘what more can I get?’, ‘what more can I give? ‘

Desperation. 

For love.

Could the answer be in another type of love? Agape love. The unconditional love of God.Could God satisfy this soul? Could he? Is he? Can he? They say He is all I need. This desperation is not going away. My perspective can change. This can be fixed. Can it?

There has to be something more. Out there.For me. Could it be in the agape? God has it. Whatever it is. He has what I need.

I have been naked. This is a write up. Don’t judge. Leave your comments below:)

T

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2 thoughts on “Desperation for love

  1. Very honest, very sincere. It must take a lot of courage to be this sincere, to bare your soul like this. Excellent piece. Well done.

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